To pretend that I'm special or unique writing about my experiences with the washroom in Japan would be lunacy. Every American and their お母さん living and blogging here does it, so I figured I'd create the obligatory TP (Toilet Post) as well. Is it original? No. Is it particularly clever or funny? Probably not. Will you keep reading because you're curious about my take on the matter? Hopefully.
Now, when I say I'm going to talk about the restroom here in Japan, I'm not talking about the bodily functions, so much as I'm referring to the proper porcelain pots. Like so many other aspects of life here, even the commode can be quite the experience. When you think of a standard American toilet, or for product placement's sake, an American Standard Toilet, you probably imagine something like this:
Above we have an generic toilet that can be found in hotel lobbies and airport terminals. (Insert Larry Craig joke here) There's nothing special about it in my eyes, but it gets the job done. It's not the coolest contraption known to man, but it's sanitary and efficient. For twenty six years of my life, this was all I knew. Now try to picture what a Japanese toilet might look like. I imagine you conjured up one of two things:
1) A giant hole in the ground with a bowl filling said crater- the squatty potty or...
2) A state-of-the-art futuristic throne-bot from the "Mother Ship" that can pick up your dry cleaning for you.
If you envisioned either of those things, you'd be right... to a certain degree. Of course, Japan still has its fair share of "regular" American toilets, but it also has the "anomalies." In this country, however, the anomalies are more of the rule, as opposed to the exception.
Many gaijin have elaborate stories about their misfortunate run-ins with the Japanese style toilets, be it getting a surprise soaking or leaving an unpleasant mess. I unfortunately don't have any tales to regale, but I do want to talk about my initial impressions. First up, the dreaded washiki benjo:
What it is:
This is an Eastern-style toilet common all over Japan and other Asian countries. It is found in many public restrooms, including train stations and the teacher's restrooms at my school. This toilet is a bowl that resembles a cross between a bathtub, urinal, and toilet all combined. It is recessed into the floor, and is used for both numbers one and two. Usually, however, when a urinal is present, men typically avoid this toilet, as it requires squatting for usage.
What's difficult about it:
1) This toilet can be a boogabear when it comes to (un)dressing for the occasion. Much like their American counterparts, this toilet requires you to "drop trou" for its usage. Securing your knickers at the exact location is crucial to not ending up with soiled pantaloons. Also, if your pockets are loose, and you're not careful, all of the contents, including cell phones, will end up at the mercy of the bowl. To avoid the two aforementioned scenarios, it is suggested that you completely remove all bottoms and under-britches, and place them on the door hooks the first couple of times you give it a go. It takes forever, but it's a nice way to ease into using this style of toilet.
2) If you have worn out knees, a bad back, rusty ankles, or anything that would cause you to have trouble squatting, you're up a creek without a paddle. This hasn't happened to me yet, but I would imagine if you're running a 100 degree fever, and your muscles are killing you due to flu-like symptoms, you're not gonna want to go through the rigmarole of getting that low to the ground just to answer nature's call. It can be tough to keep balance at that posture too, even while holding on to the bar, therefore people suffering from vertigo should also be wary:
3) Two words: DON'T MISS. I won't call any names, but I know a person who knows a person who missed the bowl, and for lack of a better word, shat on the bathroom floor of her apartment. For Pete's sake, please make sure you aim before dropping the kids off at the pool.
What's awesome about it:
1) In the words of my friend, Rol Sanders, "Your body doesn't do too much messin' around in that position." This could not have been said better. Generally speaking, when it's time to do the doo, you're in and out in a flash. The angles of all the inner hardware seems to line up divinely. It's less "grunt-n-strain" and more "hotdog down a hallway."
2) You don't have to worry about sitting down only to find the toilet seat uncomfortably warm or annoyingly damp from the previous user. Your bum and thighs make no contact with the toilet seat, as there is no toilet seat. You don't have to worry about dealing with those pesky public restroom placebos... I mean, toilet seat covers.
3) For heavy payloads, the splash is little to nonexistent due to the shape of the bowl and lack of water. There are few things less exciting than getting that awkward splash from der' poop ker' plunk. That being said, courtesy flushes are appreciated.
In public spaces, washiki benjo are very common, but there are plenty of souped up Japanese style toilets too.
What it is:
The other style of toilet that is found all over this country resembles the American style toilet, but with a fancy seat. The seat usually has one or more of the following functions:
- heated seat
- massage seat
- powerful deodorizer
- warm bidet
- butt shower
- waterfall noises or cheerful music to block out unwanted sounds
In essence, the Japanese toilet handles everything shy of the happy ending. (Insert second Larry Craig joke here.)
What's awesome about it:
1) The butt spray, pictured above as おしり, works wonders down there. Many Americans are turned off by the idea of having their butts sprayed with water. "That's sick! Gross! Exit only!" I'll admit the sensation is a bit strange at first, but it doesn't take long to get used to. My take on it is that I'm using water to rinse, as opposed to using paper to smear. Do I hate toilet paper? No. Next to my toilet is a pretty nifty dispenser. Alls I'm sayin' is butt sprays are weird, but skid marks are shitty.
2) A heated toilet seat is as bougie and awesome as it sounds. It's so satisfying knowing that, no matter how cold the weather is, or how cold the inside of your house is, you can guarantee that the toilet seat under your bum will not feel like a stethoscope on your chest. Since the beginning of October, I've just been leaving the toilet seat heater on all day, every day. It's a religious experience every time I go two-zies in my apartment.
What's difficult about it:
During the colder months, one has a tendency to linger on the seat, even after the business meeting as been adjourned.
Final thoughts:
For some, it takes a long time to face the Asian-style squat toilets, but not for this dreaded gaijin. I enjoy using these toilets, and have grown quite fond of them. If nature calls while I'm out in public, I'll actually seek out this style. That being said, I'm also grateful that I don't have to use one in the privacy of my own home. I'm perfectly content with the command center that is Jimmy's epic toilet seat.
 |
| El inodoro regular. |
1) A giant hole in the ground with a bowl filling said crater- the squatty potty or...
2) A state-of-the-art futuristic throne-bot from the "Mother Ship" that can pick up your dry cleaning for you.
If you envisioned either of those things, you'd be right... to a certain degree. Of course, Japan still has its fair share of "regular" American toilets, but it also has the "anomalies." In this country, however, the anomalies are more of the rule, as opposed to the exception.
Many gaijin have elaborate stories about their misfortunate run-ins with the Japanese style toilets, be it getting a surprise soaking or leaving an unpleasant mess. I unfortunately don't have any tales to regale, but I do want to talk about my initial impressions. First up, the dreaded washiki benjo:
What it is:
This is an Eastern-style toilet common all over Japan and other Asian countries. It is found in many public restrooms, including train stations and the teacher's restrooms at my school. This toilet is a bowl that resembles a cross between a bathtub, urinal, and toilet all combined. It is recessed into the floor, and is used for both numbers one and two. Usually, however, when a urinal is present, men typically avoid this toilet, as it requires squatting for usage.
 |
| Staff restroom toilet. |
What's difficult about it:
1) This toilet can be a boogabear when it comes to (un)dressing for the occasion. Much like their American counterparts, this toilet requires you to "drop trou" for its usage. Securing your knickers at the exact location is crucial to not ending up with soiled pantaloons. Also, if your pockets are loose, and you're not careful, all of the contents, including cell phones, will end up at the mercy of the bowl. To avoid the two aforementioned scenarios, it is suggested that you completely remove all bottoms and under-britches, and place them on the door hooks the first couple of times you give it a go. It takes forever, but it's a nice way to ease into using this style of toilet.
2) If you have worn out knees, a bad back, rusty ankles, or anything that would cause you to have trouble squatting, you're up a creek without a paddle. This hasn't happened to me yet, but I would imagine if you're running a 100 degree fever, and your muscles are killing you due to flu-like symptoms, you're not gonna want to go through the rigmarole of getting that low to the ground just to answer nature's call. It can be tough to keep balance at that posture too, even while holding on to the bar, therefore people suffering from vertigo should also be wary:
.png) |
| Obvious Arrested Development fan Easter Egg |
What's awesome about it:
1) In the words of my friend, Rol Sanders, "Your body doesn't do too much messin' around in that position." This could not have been said better. Generally speaking, when it's time to do the doo, you're in and out in a flash. The angles of all the inner hardware seems to line up divinely. It's less "grunt-n-strain" and more "hotdog down a hallway."
2) You don't have to worry about sitting down only to find the toilet seat uncomfortably warm or annoyingly damp from the previous user. Your bum and thighs make no contact with the toilet seat, as there is no toilet seat. You don't have to worry about dealing with those pesky public restroom placebos... I mean, toilet seat covers.
3) For heavy payloads, the splash is little to nonexistent due to the shape of the bowl and lack of water. There are few things less exciting than getting that awkward splash from der' poop ker' plunk. That being said, courtesy flushes are appreciated.
In public spaces, washiki benjo are very common, but there are plenty of souped up Japanese style toilets too.
What it is:
The other style of toilet that is found all over this country resembles the American style toilet, but with a fancy seat. The seat usually has one or more of the following functions:
- heated seat
- massage seat
- powerful deodorizer
- warm bidet
- butt shower
- waterfall noises or cheerful music to block out unwanted sounds
In essence, the Japanese toilet handles everything shy of the happy ending. (Insert second Larry Craig joke here.)
 |
| My personal control panel |
What's awesome about it:
1) The butt spray, pictured above as おしり, works wonders down there. Many Americans are turned off by the idea of having their butts sprayed with water. "That's sick! Gross! Exit only!" I'll admit the sensation is a bit strange at first, but it doesn't take long to get used to. My take on it is that I'm using water to rinse, as opposed to using paper to smear. Do I hate toilet paper? No. Next to my toilet is a pretty nifty dispenser. Alls I'm sayin' is butt sprays are weird, but skid marks are shitty.
2) A heated toilet seat is as bougie and awesome as it sounds. It's so satisfying knowing that, no matter how cold the weather is, or how cold the inside of your house is, you can guarantee that the toilet seat under your bum will not feel like a stethoscope on your chest. Since the beginning of October, I've just been leaving the toilet seat heater on all day, every day. It's a religious experience every time I go two-zies in my apartment.
What's difficult about it:
During the colder months, one has a tendency to linger on the seat, even after the business meeting as been adjourned.
Final thoughts:
For some, it takes a long time to face the Asian-style squat toilets, but not for this dreaded gaijin. I enjoy using these toilets, and have grown quite fond of them. If nature calls while I'm out in public, I'll actually seek out this style. That being said, I'm also grateful that I don't have to use one in the privacy of my own home. I'm perfectly content with the command center that is Jimmy's epic toilet seat.
This may be your best blog post yet!
ReplyDeleteHilarious. I laughed out loud several times.
ReplyDeleteNow that was just funny
ReplyDelete